Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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