Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
