well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Randomize
