thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
