Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heโs Upset Because People Told His Mom
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Oh and itโs been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! ๐๐๐๐ฌ๐ณ๐
Randomize