I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
