I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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