i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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