my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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