Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
she smelled like a LAN party
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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