with your own penis?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
