Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
My vagina just recognized that song.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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