Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Even my vagina gasped.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
