I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
