dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
