If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Randomize
