there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.