Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
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i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
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just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.