Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.