Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize
