Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
