remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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