R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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