I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
