im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
