Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
