I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
