I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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