Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
