ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
