This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
