I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
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