I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
