kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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