Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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