i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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