I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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