I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
