Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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