so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
