Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Randomize
