I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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