I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Randomize
