the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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