im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
