Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
