You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
