But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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