I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
