Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
How naked do you want me to be?
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