i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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