I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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