I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Randomize
