Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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