i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
