I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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