1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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