I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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