I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
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