did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
